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THE CLUES ARE TRICKLING OUT
10.25.00

Weeks after the "terrorist" bombing of the USS COLE in Yemen, the real facts are beginning to emerge. We were first told, by Admiral FITZGERALD and others with the defense department that one of the boats involved in the fueling operation was able to get up close to the hull of the billion dollar destroyer and exact a suicide mission blowing a huge hole in the ship. Quietly over the weekend, it was conceded by the defense department that the dinghy that annihilated the monster ship actually approached it several hours after USS COLE docked at Aden, thus diminishing the possibility that this raft could have been mistaken as part of the Yemeni official government refueling operation. This little craft wandered up, unwelcome and unannounced, and more importantly, undetected. Now let me see, just how clueless can our naval commanders be? We are docking in a country whose reputation is one for harboring terrorists and other America haters. Admiral FITZGERALD made it clear this was an effort to "improve" relations with the government of Yemen. Things were not peachy. Okay. And this is the Middle East; not exactly home away from home for our soldiers or war ships. What’s more, the region was in a state of unrest, not unlike being at war. And, the United States government had been warned of an impending attack by forces of Islam on an American warship. Hellloooo. Is anybody home? Given these circumstances, how is it that a questionably little boat could belly up to the USS COLE, without so much as a peep from the hundreds of sailors on board. Is this that morale problem DUBYA has been harping about? Was this tragedy a result of President CLINTON not keeping the weapons systems up to date? Or maybe the forces were lax because of CLINTON’s escapades with MONICA LEWINSKY? Get a clue, would you.

More information out of the defense department yesterday: the USS COLE wasn’t at the second highest state of alert as had been reported in the dramatic news conference the day of the bombing, but rather the second lowest level. An innocent mistake…

"WE CANNOT AFFORD TO FAIL!"
10.17.00

A weary President CLINTON extolled the leaders of the Middle East, particularly YASSER ARAFAT and EHUD BARAK, that failure was not an option. The president looked spent, but persisted in talks that reportedly yielded little on their first day.

And as the news conference to announce an agreement broke into the airwaves at approximately 3:320am PST, the networks were calling the talks a failure. Only FOX NEWS and CNN broadcast the session, while the other all night news shows on CBS, NBC and ABC were replaying the negativity about the lack of accomplishment. What do these people expect? The fact that CLINTON, and Egyptian President MUBARAK got the parties to a table anywhere is accomplishment enough.

And so it was announced by MUBARAK and CLINTON that the parties had agreed to 3 major points: to make joint statements denouncing the violence and seeking its end; to allow an American fact finding mission to determine the cause of this outbreak, not only to apportion blame but to prevent similar flareups in the future; and to make an effort to get back into the peace talks within 2 weeks. Not bad for a day’s work, I’d say.

But even after the announcement, reporters on the FOX NEWS CHANNEL were critical of the decision by the leaders not to submit to press questions. "That’s just how shaky this deal is" quipped one braniac from FOX. No kidding. Another reporter, filing live from Gaza by telephone relayed the violence from the street, adding that similar cease fire proposals had failed in the past.

Helllooo people. This is not bean bag. This is deep rooted, religious and cultural conflict centuries old, with hatred and bitterness to last any effort at peace. CLINTON is on our side, last I checked. Give him a break. How can we expect those suffering to give peace a chance, when talking heads and other journalists not nearly touched by the violence, won’t do so!

All we are saying…

F**K THE LEGACY, WE NEED PEACE!
10.16.00

The Los Angeles Times is still ranting about the CLINTON legacy. As if CLINTON cared, or as if it mattered. The world could be on the brink of World War III, and the planet’s most precious commodity-oil, would be held in the balance. What would that do to our obscenely expanding economy? What soup kitchen would we find the legions of day traders who have made a fortune and are continuing to make a fortune off the luxurious swings in the American folly called the stock market? What would happen to the retirement nest eggs of millions of families whose security is tied up in mutual funds and other "risk averse" paper? How would we cope with a world spiraling out of control due to the rages of terrorists throughout the world? Do you think many would give a rat’s ass about the "CLINTON legacy" if they were paying $6 a gallon for gas, when they could get it, and then, only to drive their kids down for enlistment in the suddenly mandatory armed forces? We’re not going to care how history will treat poor BILL CLINTON, we’ll be too busy buying up SUV’s for pennies on the dollar, and converting them to MAD MAX mobiles for scavenging petrol on the barren desert plains. Legacy, we don’t need no stinking legacy! We need peace and stability in the Middle East for God’s sake. President CLINTON has known that for his entire stay in office as the leader of the free world. He still has his eye on the prize, and let’s all pray he achieves his goal, and gets his rightful place in history, for peace sake. F**K the legacy!

GET A CLUE

IN CLINTON VACUUM, NO SHORTAGE OF CLUELESSNESS
10.12.00

Recall the days, not that long ago, that President WILLIAM J. CLINTON hosted leaders from the Middle East. There was optimism, and hope of peace in that region which has escaped those people, past administrations, and the world for centuries. All the press, the spin doctors, the Republicans, and other critics could say was CLINTON was shamelessly trying to build his legacy. What now, as we teeter on the brink of world war in a region that is white hot with hate and rage, not only for each other, but for us Americans. What effect would a global conflict have on already spiraling oil costs, and hence our once untouchable economy. Don’t we now wish CLINTON had achieved that legacy, or rather that those idiots who knew no more than to slam CLINTON for doing the right thing, be the first to fill the foxholes…………Do we really want DUBYA pledging "consequence" for the perpetrators of the apparent terrorist attack on the USS COLE? Talk about morale for the troops, this guy didn’t serve his country when called, and can barely master the complications of a top heavy tax cut. The intricacies of age old cultural conflicts are beyond his pay grade. And the consequences could be disastrous. Daddy’s money and influence won’t be eough to bail out this mess should DUBYA lose interest……………….Did you catch the second debate last evening? Word up is that BUSH won that exchange. Admittedly, GORE did seem like he had been brow beat for several days to restrict his intonation, and his breathing, and his interupting, about which he jokingly reminded us several times. The first one was moderately funny. And I’m not sure I want a president who is so easily "handled". But the alternative is GEORGE W., who seems so smug, and so stupid, we ought be afraid. Very afraid. He likes to point to his experience as governor of the second largest state in the union. He’s made the "tough decisions" as a governor of such a large state. Yet last night, he gleefully told us that the government in Texas only meets for 4 months out of the year. He bragged that government officials in the Lone Star state can hold down other jobs. And not even a clue that he was slicing off his legs at the knees. There were more gems. How about the response to gay rights? "Equal rights, not special rights" was his position. What the **** does that mean? Does that mean no job or housing discrimination, the same tax benefits, the right to naturalize a spouse, the right to adopt children and raise families, rights of inheritance and visitation, and health benefits for "spouses"? Did he really say all that in the efficient mantra of "equal rights, not special rights"? How special?…………………….And where did JIM LEHER’s clues go? No follow up on this issue? You’re better than that JIM…….Whoever has GORE boxed up like a spring veal needs to plug in. When the candidate is attacked, as GORE was at the end of last night’s debate on the issue of his exaggeration, he needs to fight back. We want a president who is fair and respectful, but not a turn the other cheek JESUS CHRIST. Leave the martyrs for the temples and churches, we need a tough, fair, competent and at times aggressive leader, who will fight for every citizen of this country. That man is AL GORE, so long as his handlers get a god-****, mother-******* clue!……………..By the way, independent counsel ROBERT RAY, in an unusual move, has intervened into a civil action being prosecuted against BILL CLINTON and his WHITE HOUSE by the conservative group JUDICIAL WATCH. They are litigating about the missing emails. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So why is KEN STARR’s replacement getting involved? Apparently he hasn’t made the news in a few weeks, and still has an ax to grind. Imagine that.

DOPING DOWN UNDER
9.26.00

What kind of drug induced mania has taken over the Olympic Games in Sydney. The scandals are widening, with the stripping of the gold from ANDREEA RADUCAN, who won the individual all-around gynastic competition, and has a total of 2 golds and one silver medal. All this because she tested positive for a cold medication. A day before, CJ HUNTER, last year’s world champion in the shot put and husband/coach of sprinter MARION JONES, was said to have failed a drug test at a meet in Norway in July. He may be evicted from Olympic Village. And there is talk that MARION, an American hopeful for 5 gold medal winner in these Olympics, may herself be hurt by the growing drug inquiries. The entire Bulgarian weight lifting team was disqualified earlier in the games for drug violations. Stop the madness. How does this happen? Skip all the silly tests and strategy. Or test before the competition and deny participation, but to retroactively re-award medals just diminishes the significance and relevance of the games………………….As if NBC needed more trouble with viewer interest and the stature of the Olympics, the drug scandal will turn people off even more than the tape delay, the goofy commentary, the fragmented coverage of the actual competition, and the overall malaise over what once was a riveting event……………………..On less than riveting, RALPH NADER is attracting some heavyweight Hollywood support, with PHIL DONAHUE, SUSAN SARRANDON and PEARL JAM’s EDDIE VEDDER recently throwing their support behind the perpetual consumer advocate. Hellloooo RALPH, if you really want to mount a serious campaign, lose the half boiled running mate. The country isn’t yet ready for a vice president who wears hemp clothes and burns sage for guidance…………………NADER’s veep looks like an amalgamation of MOTHER THERESA and LADY DI when compared with PAT BUCHANAN’s vice presidential nominee--EZOLA FOSTER, who feigned mental illness to collect on a worker’s compensation claim arising from her stint as a Los Angeles school teacher. Her glorious record includes defaults on 2 mortgages, including one duplex she walked away from, which was her residence. She claims it was in a gang area which was unsafe, and she wasn’t aware of the problems when she and her husband bought the property. So just abandon the place? Sounds like the kind of woman I want a heartbeat away from the presidency……………………Take a peek at the new RICKY MARTIN video, if you want to jumpstart your ticker. He is back, trying to be sexy, with a bevy of scantily clad latinas groping and grabbing at le loco crotcho. Yeah right RICKY. The new single is called "Shebang", or is that "Hebang"? …………………………Sexuality is so much more effective when it is believable-have you seen the cover of FHM magazine? Youch! CARMEN ELECTRA is the real deal in a catcher’s getup, and a killer side view. Now that is sexy! …………………………I’ve got it! Make any Olympic competitor who tests positive for drugs in these Olympics swim at Cactus Beach on the southern Australian coast. Shark attacks have killed 2 swimmers there in the last 2 days. That might clean up people’s acts. And it is certain to increase viewership on NBC, tape delay or not! Chomp!

KNIGHT IN WHITE SATIN
9.13.00

Coach BOBBY KNIGHT, the embattled and angry man who is a god at Indiana University, was finally fired by the powers that be there. It is months too late, after the numerous, outrageous examples of his bad boy behavior, despite whatever good he has fostered. President MILES BRAND should have fired him in May rather than box him into a spot in which they knew he wouldn’t be able to exist. He has harassed, physically abused, and embarrassed himself as well as the university for years. Now, an innocent, or not so innocent student(the latest claim comes from the son of a talk show host known to be critical of KNIGHT in the past) is taking the wrath of bringing the latest accusations. He is under death threat, and will undoubtedly have to transfer schools. Meanwhile, KNIGHT, playing the martyr, has not said word one to his subjects about the inappropriate, perhaps criminal actions that they have undertaken on his behalf. If any harm comes to this kid, that may be the action, or inaction, which will burst the bubble KNIGHT lives in, and eternally stain his satin robes to crimson. Get a clue, get some therapy, get a life, get a job, get a publicist, and get the rabid dogfans from which you are feeding your fragile, needy ego off the stage of violent protest and back into the classroom where they belong……………………And on the topic of violent protest, since when did MTV morph from a music channel to a platform for misogyny, abuse of women and gays, and a stage for idolization of white trailer trash rappers without a lick of talent? The MTV MUSIC AWARDS, broadcast live last Thursday night, and apparently rebroadcast everyday since then as MTV has no idea how to program music television, was a joke. Lets hope those spotlighted, including BRITNEY SPEARS, whose desperation to make the leap from MICKEY MOUSE singer to stripper songstress was vile, transition to WHERE ARE THEY NOW? asap!………………………………..What has happened to E! The once fresh entertainment network is floundering for ideas. The zenith came on Sunday with their all-day teaser of the PRE-EMMY show live from the red carpet at the Pasadena Auditorium. Host of the show, the "hooker with a microphone", JOAN RIVERS has an interview technique that is akin to getting a root canal sans anesthesia. Come on, put the woman out to pasture. Isn’t there a Hollywood scandal you can run, 60 minutes of gossip from nobodies, with a few stills scanned and panned dozens of ways. Oooh, that’s must see counter programmin………"And I love you, yes I love you…"

WHAT A MAJOR ASSHOLE!
9.5.00

GEORGE W. BUSH continued to demonstrate he is without a clue, speaking to a crowd in Naperville, Illinois on the virtues of congenial politics, and the importance of honor and integrity. Boom microphones picked up some not so honorable comments being uttered from the candidate to his Vice Presidential nominee DICK CHANEY. "There’s ADAM CLYMER, major league asshole from the New York Times." CHANEY is heard to respond "Yeah, major league." These bumbling idiots are lecturing the country on civility and decency in government. BUSH apparently doesn’t like CLYMER for some articles he has written of him in the Times. And so he spends his moments on stage picking journalists out of the crowd for ridicule. And the lackey CHANEY joins in. Shades of RICHARD NIXON and his war against the press. Later in the day, when asked by reporters about the incident, BUSH failed to apologize for his remarks, only saying he regretted the fact that the mics picked them up. No kidding! To cap a near perfect day of bungling, BUSH announced he was willing to debate GORE, but only pursuant to a schedule in conflict with that proposed by the COMMISSION on PRESIDENTIAL DEBATES, the bi-partisan organization whose purpose it is to avoid these very spats. The major televison networks, at least ABC and CBS, do not favor the BUSH plan either. Both of those networks announced that they would not broadcast the debates proposed for NBC’s MEET THE PRESS and CNN’s LARRY KING LIVE. Do you think FOX, or say the WB, or UPN will be airing these rival shows? Doubtful. And so GORE’s mantra of the last few weeks seems to be on target--BUSH wants to debate in a way that results in fewer people seeing the "fight". And no wonder! If BUSH is as swift and nimble on his feet and with his mouth as was displayed yesterday, this one may be called after round 1. Bring it on!

LAPD STILL SEARCHING FOR CLUES
8.22.00

The convention is over. The panic and concern about the demonstrators has subsided. In all the LAPD arrested a total of 192 people, mostly for misdemeanors and civil disobedience. Some 52 of those arrests are being dismissed today. So how did the police do?

I know that the job of law enforcement is a thankless one, and it is easy to criticize after the fact. The truth is that few if anyone got hurt, there was minimal property damage, the city escaped relatively scandal free, no dignitaries were kidnapped or murdered, only a few journalists were inadvertently shot or arrested, and little if any outrage lingers from the quasi-military operation that Chief BERNARD PARKS conducted last week. In fact, most downtowners got a kick out of the goofiness of the whole thing. The police were like clowns. Let me relate a few indicative experiences, from one who was in the middle of it all.

Access to Staples Center was severely limited for the convention. Cement barricades were constructed that went from Olympic on the north and Washington Boulevard on the south. There was limited access at these gore points, as well as gates on the east and west where delegates and the members of the press could squeeze through to get to the big show. Meanwhile, the demonstrators were allowed to fill into open parking lots that abutted Staples, separated by chain link fences erected to prevent the disparate crowds from mixing. One little problem, the demonstrators, and the t-shirt vendors, and those hawking water for a price far more reasonable than inside the arena, and hot dog sellers, and whiners trying to get signatures for a petition to end economic sanctions against Iraq, all lined up just outside the compound so that those with credentials for the convention had to walk through this gauntlet to come and go. Why have the barriers then? This hodgepodge of free-speechers and free-marketers were not the enemy. It seems, the enemy was the LAPD.

On Monday, during a concert by RAGE AGAISNT THE MACHINE, it was the LAPD that cut off power to the stage causing the crowd some consternation. Big surprise, right. The LAPD had no other choice but to sweep in on horseback in riot disbursement mode, firing tear gas and rubber bullets. All of this, just as the first night was concluding. Hence the delegates and the press were detained within the cement compound, unable to exit, for approximately an hour, until the hoodlums could be rounded up and removed. Even President CLINTON and his celebrity posse were kept from leaving Staples until the forces could "regain control". The result-thousands of anxious people having to push and shove through an opening in the chain link that would only allow 2 at a time to proceed. That was more dangerous than letting us out to fend for ourselves on the streets.

On Tuesday, as we were arriving for our day of fun inside Staples prison, the LAPD was carefully escorting a parade making its’ way down 6th street to Pershing Square. This involved battalions of squad cars in formation, each with 4 riot clad troopers inside, strategically cordoning off each intersection, sirens on full blast, until the parade had past. Whence they would hop frog to the next intersection and run the routine over again. Hundreds of officers, with clubs, and tear gas, and ropes for crowd control, and shotguns with rubber bullets, muscling the press, and the delegates, and those working downtown who came out to see if there was a nuclear bomb dropped on downtown. Meanwhile, the "protesters" were dancing down 6th in an orderly manner, giant paper mache masks in tow and dancing to a steel band on a flat bed. I’ve seen similar parades and marchers in the French Quarter on Fat Tuesday, only without the firepower. Hardly a reason to alert the National Guard.

In addition to the officers on lining the intersections, the parade was led by some 20 motorcycle cops, had 3 squads of some 30 patrolmen and women running on each side of the march, and was followed by some dozen chp vehicles fully manned. Come on, PARKS, is this a joke? The people on the sidewalk, who were forcibly, kept back, no doubt for their own safety lest a tear gas canister were erroneously deployed, were laughing. This was like keystone cops on steroids, armed to save private Ryan. All for a simple little parade.

Then on Wednesday, as we were leaving the compound a line of concerned police were preventing delegates and press from leaving the safety of the compound until we removed our credentials and secured them in our bags. It seems the hostile demonstrators were ripping credentials from the necks of attendees and using them to infiltrate the convention. Give me a break. First, the LAPD sets up this rat hole from which we all had to emerge into a raging alley of the unwanted. Then, they deploy thousands of police and sheriffs and chip and what not with firearms for our protection, and we still are subject to acts of assault and violence. The only solution was to hide our own credentials. You’ve got to be kidding me. After the initial scare, we walked through the crowds only to be confronted by sellers and those wanting our signatures. The only threats were from the men in blue.

Finally on day 4, at the end of the show, police closed the main entrance to Staples, just as everyone wanted to leave. The demonstrators were acting up again, and it was unsafe to exit on the north side of the arena. Using our LAPD press badges, we insisted on access and eventually, a group of brave media were escorted under cover towards the Olympic exit. I felt like we were approaching the battle zone. How crazy. When we exited the cement compound, we found a band playing, people in a candlelight vigil, and again the ubiquitous hot dog vendors, and water peddlers and petition pushers. There was no shortage of law enforcement. Armed troops at the ready lined Figueroa from Olympic and 11th all the way to 7th street. Backup squads could be seen down sidestreets in combat formation. I could see the Harbor freeway was completely locked up, and was later told by my ride home that all of the downtown offramps were closed and the entire right lane of the Harbor northbound from the 10 interchange to 3rd was lined with patrol cars ready for the strike.

We walked right up the middle of Figueroa. Delegates who somehow got through were waving banners they had snagged at the convention. Kids were skateboarding and scootering like mad, taking advantage of the carnival atmosphere. An opportunist was selling disposable cameras, with flash. An old man was walking his dog. Some anarchists with bandanas were also among those trudging up the streets with the rest of us. They were also carrying banners. Sirens rang out from various parts of the downtown. We had grown numb to them, as they were usually another goof squad blasting down the street for no good reason. We were tired, not of fighting off the anarchists, but of walking through the ridiculous hoops and ladders arbitrarily set up by the LAPD all week. As we approached 7th street, to our surprise California Pizza Kitchen was open and serving dinner. We got a table, outside, and enjoyed a tasty meal amidst the last rumblings of the LAPD and their war on the DNC.

How silly it all was.

THE CLUES HAVE CHANGED, BUT THE GAME REMAINS THE SAME
8.1.00

With all the fuss about NAPSTER, now comes KNITSTER. Yes that’s right. Not all the thieves on the internet are drug crazed, raprock junkies in search of free cd-quality music. There is a revolution on the world wide web within sewing and knitting circles as well. It seems little old ladies from Pasadena to Portsmouth are downloading copyrighted patterns off the internet, for free! Can you imagine? Get a restraining order, issue a permanent injunction, shut down the websites, blow up the hard drives and call out the FBI!

Hold on there cyber sleuths. What is so different about today’s technology crisis versus years past when we didn’t even know what gigabite, DSL or bandwidth meant? I remember as a child I could record my favorite songs right off the radio, to the chagrin of hard working musicians worldwide. Or, pray tell, borrow a record from one of my friends with more generous parents than mine, play it to death until I didn’t want to buy it anymore, or record just the 2 good songs on it and give it back. As far as I can tell, RCA and MICHAEL JACKSON didn’t suffer terribly for this convenience. Nor did BUTTERICK if my mother liked a pattern that one of her fellow den mothers successfully negotiated, so much as to borrow it for her own try. Makers of products need to quit crying about their loss of eternal revenue streams from one decent effort, and start thinking creatively about the design of a product that consumers will want to purchase for themselves. In the area of music, perhaps if record companies and artists put out a release-cd, lp, album, video, dvd, what the heck do we call it anymore-that had more than 6 minutes of good stuff on it, there wouldn’t be a problem. Or what if the prices on the discs were more realistically tied to the costs-is there any reason a cd costs $16.99? Here’s something, let’s say artists and their record companies put a little extra on disc, that only those who possess it had access to, now we’re talking sales. To kick and scream about the advance of technology is a waste of time. They can shut down NAPSTER and MP3, but other technologies exist that don’t require a third party server for users to share goods. And then there are cd burners and soon to come, dvd burners. It’s like the record companies, and pattern makers never heard of tape recorders and photcopy machines. Technology is not so much different, as it is the same. And the beat goes on….

BIT BY BIT, CLUE BY CLUE
7.25.00

The critics are out, it’ll be all over the press: CLINTON’s peace talks result in failure. After 15 days, President CLINTON took the podium to announce that there was no hope of agreement between BARAK and ARAFAT. How is success or failure to be measured in these matters? Word is that the sticking point has been the central city of Jerusalem. When we were last at this historical juncture it was not known how the parties would steer through the minefield of how that holiest of cities would be shared. The parties visited that hell for 15 days, and if not ultimately successful on this occasion, the groundwork is getting done to reach nirvana. No doubt, a good deal more work is needed. That is not to say CLINTON, or the parties involved, failed. Peace presumably is well worth the effort………………………….. There are those who truly believe that BILL CLINTON is doing this to clean up his legacy. Get a clue, would you. Anyway who cares, he’s doing it………………………………Governor ROY BARNES of Georgia appointed a democrat to fill the senate seat left vacant when Senator PAUL COVERDELL, a republican passed away last week. The governor was not stupid, though. He appointed retired Governor ZELL MILLER, who served 2 terms in Georgia and left office with an 80% approval rating. The move shifts the balance of power just a bit more as elections approach. Currently republicans hold a 54 to 46 seat advantage, but if GORE wins and MILLER can hold his special election in November, democrats would only need a net gain of 4 seats to effect a tie on partisan votes in the senate, which could then be broken by GORE’s vice president …………………………Speaking of GORE and his veep selection, he had better be more bold than GEORGE W., the uniter not the divider, compassionate conservative, reformer with results. How about someone who will really shake things up, say, a woman. Perhaps MAXINE WATERS? Now that would be moving things forward in a big way, no bit by bit here…………………………

FOX STILL HUNTING FOR CLUES ON O.J.
6-9-2000

FOX NEWS, the 24 hour would be challenger to CNN, in a shameless example of sensational journalism, baited O.J. SIMPSON into calling their live call-in chat program on Thursday. This, a day after they had DENISE BROWN and GLORIA ALLRED on the show Wednesday commenting on the news from F. LEE BAILEY about the lie detector test SIMPSON did or did not take, pass, fail or whatever. Who cares? On Wednesday, they were pleading O.J. to call in live, giving out the number directly to him over the air. No call. So on Thursday, they had FRED GOLDMAN as well as DENISE BROWN on to rattle O.J.'s cage and as if on cue, a shook up "Juice" called the program to dispute some of the facts that had been bantered about. In the process, DENISE and O.J. were set up to claw it out directly, without any intervention from the host SHEP. Tacky, as was the exchange between the former friends. SIMPSON, his voice cracking from the nervousness of the fight, intimated that DENISE BROWN had slept with friends of O.J., and that NICOLE kept her boyfriends away from her for the same reason. Ouch. Talk about JERRY SPRINGER, FOX made that trash look like MARTHA STEWART by comparison. And this is supposed to be a reputable news network. Who cares about DENISE BROWN's sex life, and does that excuse the murders of NICOLE and RONALD GOLDMAN? Besides, FOX merely played into O.J.'s hand by generating publicity for an upcoming live internet chat SIMPSON will have for pay at:

www.loserscanaskojaquestionforafee.com

Of course, all the local news had the cat fight as a lead story last evening. Does anyone really care about this anymore? It has been 6 years, why perpetuate his celebrity? He should fade away, sadly, as should FOX NEWS.

POLITICIANS WITHOUT A CLUE
5-29-2000

What is it about politics that turns men into clueless hypocrites. Take for example the elections over the weekend in Peru. 10 year incumbent ALBERTO FUJIMORI, the son of Japanese immigrants, threw out the countries constitution which forbids presidents from holding office for 3 terms, and won re-election in a tainted vote Sunday. He colluded with election officials, refused independent observers the chance to authenticate the vote, and drove out opposition candidate ALEJANDRO TOLEDO. The United States refuses to recognize the election "in view of the refusal of the government of Peru to accommodate international observers (and) complaints regarding lack of time to validate the newly installed vote counting system." Guess who installed the system?!

In the past FUJIMORI has fired judges when he didn't like their rulings, used the government's intelligence resources to hound his enemies, installed puppets into the government's power posts, deprived opposition forces the rights of the law, and disbanded the Congress and Supreme Court where necessary.

So is it any surprise that he swept into victory, for a 3rd time in Sunday's election. How long before a rabid band of Peruvians gathers up enough guts to send this despot floating on a rice paper origami dinghy back toward the East where he apparently belongs, with a clue or two?............................Or take the actions of California's embattled Insurance Commissioner, CHUCK QUACKENBUSH. The office of Insurance Commissioner, which was initiated as a consumer advocator agency to help promote fair practices by insurance companies in the state, has long been a joke. When initiatives pass by public vote into law regarding overpricing by the insurers in the state, refunds do not come. Scandal after scandal has rocked the agency, and each new Commissioner promises reform as a platform to gain election. Then it would seem the money from the insurance racket depletes whatever remaining clues these politicians have. QUACKENBUSH has come under fire for "extorting" insurance companies to contribute large donations to his re-election campaign fund, and then allegedly gave them favorable treatment with regard to restitution issues arising out of earthquake claims relating to the Northridge quake in 1994. You start to see the picture of inefficiency and frustration arising out of the function of this token office. And despite the obvious uselessness to consumers, the administrators and politicians think they can get away with even more brazen acts. The cluelessness is astounding! Amidst this brouhaha, QUACKENBUSH was called to testify before a state congressional inquiry to answer charges concerning these issues. He appeared flashing an e-mail that he thinks indicates the charges and accusations are merely designed to ambush him, being that he is Republican, and one of the state's highest elected officials. In an act of utter clue loss, he also cited his attorney's advice not to answer any questions, and walked out. Martha get your camera, another clue searcher is going down. The panel has issued a subpoena for the QUACK to return and face the music. Stay tuned...........................................................RICK LAZIO, who today announced his campaign for the Senate in the spot vacated by now forgotten RUDY GUILIANI, got off to a shaky start on Monday. Marching in a Memorial Day parade on Long Island, New York, the congressman tripped and fell face first, splitting his lip requiring 8 stitches. (get a good mental picture QUACKENBUSH) LAZIO needed assistance getting up, but finished the parade before going to the hospital for repairs. Ouch! Could that be a clue to the rest of the campaign?..................................

I HAVEN'T A CLUE, I WAS JUST DOING MY JOB
5-11-2000

Has the hysteria circling the ELIAN matters finally subsided? The clueless still abound. Just watch DAN BURTON's committee hot on the trail of the WHITE HOUSE emails. There is a scandal there and BURTON will find it. It is just so funny to see his methods. The man is so beaten up by the "perpetrators" that he has abandoned any sense of decency or fairness in the running of the hearings. And this man is the Chairman for goodness sake. In his opening statements he characterizes the testimony, before the committee even hears it. He draws outrageous conclusions, based on facts before they are in the record. He continually interrupts the witness, and gets his questions tied up trying to trip up the witness. It is pure entertainment. What will this poor man do if the Democrats reclaim the majority?.............................The government workers in most need of clues this week, however, are the firefighters who intentionally set the blaze in New Mexico, only to see it rage out of control, forcing the evacuation of 12,000 residents from Los Alamos, and put the government's secret laboratory there at risk. You recall, the lab where secrets were being spirited away to China. Now those secrets are floating free in the howling, ash-filled winds all over the globe. But they won't have any nasty out of control fires in Los Alamos this August during fire season, will they? .............................................How long did MP3.com think they were going to get away with facilitating the illegal pirating of recorded musical works on their website. They were bold and brazen, but a federal judge in Los Angeles has finally ruled that the practice is a violation of US copyright law and will undoubtedly force the closure of the popular website and require MP3 to pay millions in damages. I don't know who is more clueless, the people who thought this practice was going to fly, or the government for letting it go on for years, allowing it to become endemic, before enforcing the law. Get on the job people ....................... Justice Department, here's a clue-NAPSTER....................News flash, the independent counsel investigation into PRESIDENT CLINTON is still ongoing.......................Is the fairy tale world of RUDY G. coming completely unraveled before our eyes, or is this the most brilliant political ploy we've seen since BC? Two weeks ago he made the announcement he was battling prostate cancer. We all are pulling for him to recover. That's a no-brainer. But there are numerous other developments of high drama. First, his wife DONNA HANOVER, an aspiring actress and television hostess, had to pull out of an appearance in THE VAGINA MONOLGUES since it was heavily slanted with Democratic supporters. She then went to the cameras to make that announcement, and to affirm that she was 100% behind RUDY for Senate. Then the rumblings in the press about RUDY G's occasion overnight liasons with "very good friend" JUDITH NATHAN. That's a yawner, GARY HART already broke that ice, and BC did it up good for the past 8 years, we don't much care about it, despite the bold lack of cluedom. But, the sudden, surprising and apparently unilateral decision to announce to the press that after 16 years of marriage, he is seeking a separation from his wife, well that just threw clues to the wind. MISS HANOVER was not amused, as she again took to the cameras, this time on the steps of GRACIE MANSION several hours later to skewer the Mayor, revealing that it has been a rough go of it, what with RUDY G's philandering with his press secretary CRISTYNE LATEGANO all those years. Miss LATEGANO, now married to NICHOLS NICHOLAS, (who writes this stuff?), denies it categorically. Someone here is at a serious loss for clues! Would any of you like to raise your right hand? Stay tuned...................................Almost in as much hot water, INDIANA UNIVERSITY basketball coach BOBBY KNIGHT is having the investigation into his behavior throughout his reign as general and otherwise all holy presider over the basketball program at the university, expanded, after allegations by a former player that KNIGHT choked him in practice. KNIGHT and others vehemently denied it. But one little thing, there was surveillance video that confirmed it. Ooops! And now other allegations of verbal abuse by an elderly secretary for the athletic director at IU, who worked there for 36 years. This plus the numerous other incidents (throwing chairs, cursing at reporters, dissing former students who are now rivals, humiliating players), most of which are documented since they usually occurred in games or post game press conferences, will no doubt leave clueless BOB KNIGHT, as good as a basketball coach as he is, looking for other work. And he was just doing his job..................

CUBAN CLUE CRISIS
4-27-2000

Mayor and could be senatorial candidate RUDOLPH GIULLIANI criticized President CLINTON and Attorney General JANET RENO for sending in storm troopers to extract ELIAN GONZALEZ out of Little Havana last week. Isn't that precious, coming from the overseer and chief policy maker for a police department that fired 41 times on an unarmed citizen of New York who answered his front door in the middle of the night. At least ELIAN is alive and in the rightful custody of his father.................. Can you imagine the nerve of those exiled Cuban demonstrators over the last few months, who had the audacity to be flying Cuban flags, all the while spiting in the face of United States authorities trying to enforce the rule of law at the door of LAZARO GONZALEZ. JANET RENO ought to go in with an army of INS agents, checking for green cards and passports, and send the lot of illegals home where their protests might do some good, and their flags would be more at home......................Did the Miami relatives of ELIAN really think that once the little boy was reunited with his father in DC, that they would be on the guest list at the air force base where the ELIAN was later housed. Oh wait, these were the same relatives who claimed that the smiling, relieved child who appeared in the photos with his happy father, was not really ELIAN. It couldn't be him, his hair is too long, and we just cut it the day before. PULLLLEASE! Get a clue folks, your 15 minutes are now up.........................And by the way, what was the fisherman who saved ELIAN from drowning, doing at the house at 5 am, huddled in the closet with the little boy. What kind of circus were those people running?.........................Speaking of the big top, chief circus clown TRENT LOTT said he will open hearings into the raid next week in the Senate. Senator CONNIE MACK from Florida demanded an investigation, and LOTT was all too happy to oblige. I guess they would rather have had another WACO, rather than a 3 minute operation where no one was hurt, which was 100% successful in reuniting ELIAN with his father and enforcing the legal rulings in the case......................Perhaps the focus of the investigation ought be the relatives of ELIAN who disregarded legal orders to turn over custody of ELIAN, and who sacrificed the boy's well being for their own personal and political agendas...............

ARE YOU KIDDING?
4-24-2000

JOHN McCAIN, the rebel Republican presidential candidate who was all the rage several months ago, but who now has slipped off the radar screen, apparently wants some more of the spotlight. The human ego is a remarkable thing. Senator McCAIN, the man who stepped up to the special interests and spoke freely about the evils of campaign financing, apparently did not speak so honestly about the confederate flag in South Carolina when he was there. You remember, it was February and the 3 or 4 delegates from that state were at stake in the presidential primary. The candidates in their infinite wisdom, refused to denounce the flying of the confederate flag over the capitol, saying it was up to the citizens of that state to resolve. Now that is leadership. The flag is such an issue since it is a reminder of the issues of slavery that led to the Civil War. Now comes big brave Senator McCAIN to tell us that he was afraid to speak up and out against the flag, for fear of losing the primary. We are not impressed. Veep AL GORE said it best, albeit through a spokesman, "Leadership is standing up for what is right, not the far right." And here we thought that JOHN McCAIN knew that...........................DIANA ROSS hasn't backed off from leading her SUPREMES REUNION TOUR with a couple of PRETENDERS, and I'm not talking CHRYSSIE HYNDE. The irony is, she has made MARY WILSON the star she never was behind all that frizzy hair................................Is there something just a bit clueless and somewhat desperate about an alleged criminal wrongdoer, BILL GATES, taking to the airwaves speaking MICROSOFT's praises to the American public in between FRIENDS and DADDIO. This is the same MICROSOFT that hired GEORGE W.'s campaign advisor RALPH REED to lobby MR. BUSH to drop the case against the software maker in the event he wins the presidential nomination. Give it a rest, BILL. Sell some of that stock while you're still free, and the richest man on the planet, and then go away quietly...............................GREEN BAY PACKER tight end MARK CHMURA was arrested after his 17 year babysitter accused him of sexual assault. Apparently the two were playing a drinking game at a party, and the football stud tried something in the bathroom with her. There's a clue or two missing there, but the real outrage is that this is the same CHMURA who refused to go to the WHITE HOUSE for the traditional reception thrown for winners of the SUPER BOWL, because of BILL CLINTON's shameless indiscretions with MONICA LEWINSKY. The glass house shatters again. At least CLINTON had his fun with a sober, consenting adult.................

JOURNALISTS WITH(OUT) A CLUE
4-10-2000

ABC NEWS is all shook up over whether to air an interview of PRESIDENT CLINTON, conducted by, none other than Hollywood hypestar LEONARDO DiCAPRIO. It seems the news suits at ABC are flush with integrity, and dedicated to uphold the standards of journalism, and hence, do not wish to air an q & a conducted by one who is not credentialed or qualified. As if journalists are. Helllooooo. Just tune in any night when there is live news going on. It's better than watching vintage THREE STOOGES. Journalists do not have a lock on what is of interest to the public. Besides, it wouldn't much matter who interviewed BILL CLINTON, PETER JENNINGS' bunched panties notwithstanding. My guess is our president would have something interesting to say no matter who sat and chatted with him. And, LEO just happens to be the Chairman of EARTH DAY 2000, and that was the subject of the interview, so it would seem to be entirely appropriate. Get over yourself PETER and ABC!.......................BRIT HUME yesterday sounded like so many ravenous Cubans venting on Attorney General JANET RENO, calling her "not the brightest bulb in the circuit" in criticizing her handling of the reunion of ELIAN GONZALEZ and his father. He called AL GORE's two step on the issue this week an attempt to avoid "another potential Waco." FOX NEWS SUNDAY must really be hurting in the ratings game because even BRIT HUME is rarely so hysterical. Come on big guy, it will be okay......................................Immediately following the clowns on FOX Sunday morning was WOLF BLITZER and his "head" show, LATE EDITION, where low and behold, the so-called dim bulb herself was the sole guest. JANET RENO seemed perfectly logical, and not at all dim in describing her intentions behind the policy of reuniting the boy with his father. Despite WOLF's desperate attempts to get a sensational sound bite from RENO, she wouldn't succumb, and sounded like the diligent, intelligent, dedicated civil servant that she has been throughout her tumultuous 2 terms. Unlike most journalists, 'dim bulbs' are sometimes born with a clue or two........................

GEORGE W. CLUELESS
4-4-2000

GEORGE W. BUSH, the uniter not the divider, compassionate conservative, reformer with results has a plan to revamp the environmental protection laws in this country if he is elected: remove the federal government from responsibility for environmental clean-up and hand it over to the private sector, and all will be better. GEORGE W. BUSH, the uniter not the divider, compassionate conservative, reformer with results, says that in Texas he instituted such a plan and 451 brownfields, as they are called, were converted by the private sector into tax paying commercial and industrial sites. No word on the thousands of other used up oil fields and chemical sumps that go untouched in Texas, which has liberal, or is it "conservative" laws on such things. Letting the private sector look after environmental protection is a little like letting JIM BAKKER gather the collection baskets on Sunday, or ROBERT DOWNEY, Jr. supervise the evidence room at LAPD, or DARVA CONGER counsel the vestal virgins. Not a good idea. Besides, doesn't AL GORE have a lock on the environmental issue? Try reforming something else, GEORGE W., the uniter not the divider, compassionate conservative, reformer with results.................Word up from the office of the independent prosecutor--KEN STARR ended up spending $52 million to determine PRESIDENT CLINTON fondled MONICA LEWINSKY in an inappropriate way. Now that was money well spent!............................Has ALAN KEYES withdrawn from the presidential race yet?......................Did MADONNA think her version of AMERICAN PIE was a dance version of the 70's hit by DON McCLEAN? HELLLLOOOO the original version is faster than the update.....................................BYE.BYE.BYE.

ARE YOU KIDDING? HAVEN'T YOU GOT A SINGLE CLUE?
3-14-2000

MARIA SHRIVER was or should have been embarrassed as a journalist, as she found out the hard way, on live television, what happens when you push too hard for the spontaneous, exclusive interview. She was waiting in the wings on the path to the podium where McCAIN was to give his congratulatory speech to GEORGE W., the uniter not the divider, compassionate conservative, reformer with results. McCAIN had just been trounced in the SUPER TUESDAY primaries by BUSH, the uniter not the divider, compassionate conservative, reformer with results, and was making his way to the podium when SHRIVER stuck a microphone in his face and asked him a brilliant gem of a question: "How do you feel?" Hellllooooo. MARIA? What could you have been thinking? How do you think he felt? What did you expect him to say-" Gee MARIA, let me share my thoughts for your NBC and MSNBC viewers. I think GEORGE W., the uniter not the divider, compassionate conservative, reformer with results, is a silver spoon fed, phony and I'd like to paddle his lily white ass till he cries like the mama's boy that he is. I couldn't really say this to my supporters, but I'm glad I had this opportunity to enlighten your viewers and give you the scoop. Say hello to Arnie for me sweetie. Asta la bye bye MARIA" Of course McCAIN was more polite than that. He said: "Would you please get out of here!" Ouch................Someone who really should take a hike is ROBERT W. RAY, the prosecutor who took over the mess left by KEN STARR. RAY is set to release final reports from the independent counsel's investigations into the FBI files, the travel office firings, the missing billing documents from the ROSE LAW FIRM, and the WHITEWATER investment nonsense. Puullllease! Does anyone even care anymore? A fitting finale to this taudry independent counsel folly would be for STARR himself, to read every word (the first of 4 purported reports is said to be 25,000 words!) to the Republican members of Congress, who ought to be required to sit en masse until the recitation is complete. Otherwise, wrap it up with a sentence and let's be done!.......................................................................NATIONAL RIFLE ASSOCIATION Chief WAYNE LAPPIERRE said on one of the weekend talking-head shows that PRESIDENT CLINTON is willing to accept a certain level of killing to promote his policies, and his vice president too." If only that were true, one of the killings I'm sure our esteemed president would gladly accept, to promote his policies or otherwise, would be that of idiots like WAYNE LAPIERRE...................................On the issue of rifles, did you see the circus disaster in Poland? A couple of man-eating tigers escaped and were being herded back into captivity. One of the tigers stepped on a handlers leg, knocking him to the ground, but as he was falling, a goofball with a rifle shooting at the tiger, shot the trainer, killing him. Not smart....................................

THE CLUELESS CANDIDATES
3-2-2000

In the seesaw world of the Republican primaries, it is GEORGE W. BUSH on top this week. That is GEORGE W. BUSH, the uniter not the divider, compassionate conservative, reformer with results. Yeah right! The mantra sounds more like a moron without a message. Somebody on the staff put these phrases together, and the trick is to see how many times he can work them in, as if they mean something. How shrewd!.......................Meanwhile, LUKE SKYWALKER backed down from his battle with the evil empire, PAT ROBERTSON and JERRY FALLWELL. In a dramatic stump speech in Virginia, where GEORGE W. BUSH, the uniter not the divider, compassionate conservative, reformer with results, had a commanding lead, JOHN McCAIN took aim at the religious right. He referred to PAT and JERRY (not the REYNOLDS WRAP gals) as evil, which is an interesting development if he can follow through on it. But in response to a challenge from GARY BAUER, who is now endorsing McCAIN, JOHN said the references were in keeping with the whole STAR WARS metaphor, soft pedaling on the whole evil thing. Wimpy. That sets up GEORGE W. BUSH, the uniter not the divider, compassionate conservative, reformer with results, to sweep Super Tuesday on March 7, essentially ending the race. Too bad. The evil empire wins this one, but, as we know, the JEDI will return...................How thick is the New York police department? Last night, just 2 blocks from the place where AMADOU DIALLO was killed in his own residence while unarmed, police shot and killed another unarmed man. He had an extensive record, and reports are that he was fleeing police, and was caught with heroin on his person. I guess we can believe that, but come on, another unarmed man. What, was GIULLIANI let down after riots didn't materialize last week? Maybe he wants to give HILLARY more ammo to fire at him...................Get a clue boys!

COP JUSTICE
2-25-2000

A New York jury on Friday aquitted all four NY police officers who shot a resident of the Bronx 41 times in his own home. The story is that as the man went for his wallet, no doubt in response to demands from the officers as to who he was, the cops thought he was drawing a gun and shot him, over and over, 41 times. How can it be that this happened. How can 4 police officers feel so threatened by a man answering his own door? How does a wallet resemble a gun? Isn't this a transaction that occurs everyday when police confront a citizen? Why were four officers at this man's door in the first place? How in God's name do 41 shots go off before these fools realize that the man is unarmed? And even more intriguing, how is it that they fire 41 shots, and only connect on 19 of them? It was like a scene out of POLICE SQUAD? Was FRANK DRUMMOND with them? What is even more baffling-how did the prosecutors fail to convince even 1 of the 12 jurors, 4 of whom were black, that the cops acted improperly? The whole thing is unbelievable.

Just as incredible is that prosecutors in Los Angeles came to an agreement with RAFFAEL PEREZ, the cop who stole 8 pounds of cocaine from an evidence room, and then admitted to a litany of other crimes to get a light sentence. Those other crimes included perjury, tampering with evidence, conspiracy, assault and other actions resulting in the deprivation of life and liberty for perhaps hundreds of suspects in Los Angeles. The DA has had to dismiss over 60 convictions, and the end is not in sight. Innocent victims were jailed for years as a result of PEREZ' actions, and the city may end up paying over $100 million to settle civil lawsuits stemming from this scandal. Yet on Friday, PEREZ came to an agreement with prosecutors and a judge signed off on a 5 year prison sentence which, if all goes well, could result in his release in a little more than a year.

Something is terribly wrong!

CLUES OF THE HEART
2-14-2000

DONALD TRUMP withdrew from the presidential race over the weekend, as the Reform Party began to implode. TRUMP indicated that there was too much in-fighting and back biting within the party for him to have a legitimate chance of winning the nomination. Now that is heartfelt leadership, is it not? As if he had a legitmate chance anyway. Meanwhile, JESSIE VENTURA, disheartened with the Reformers, abandoned the party, saying it had nothing to do with his being elected to the Governor's chair in Minnesota. And so it's PAT BUCHANAN, a heartless conservative or ROSS PEROT, who put out heart and soul, and $100 million dollars to found the Reform Party, who remain possible candidates for the Reformers. Pullllllleease, no............................And when will ALAN KEYES figure out that he is not going to win the nomination? Have a heart dude.............................

A NEW MILLENNIUM WITHOUT A CLUE
1-10-2000

If I hear one more news story, or commercial, or anything else with the moniker Y2K I'm going to self- destruct. It was all a big hype, and we were all hoodwinked, so let's move on. A bunch of computer geeks had they day in the sun, didn't they. The only effect of Y2K that I experienced was a virtually empty Park City for a totally enjoyable ski week. No lines, empty runs, bring it on again!..................Is CNN serious about its' millennium coverage and being the network of the millennium? Give it a break!.......................... Please tell me what all the political fuss is over ELIAN GONZALEZ. The issue is a thorny one, really no win to be had. If you send him back, the efforts of his mother who died in trying to get him here will be lost. Not good. On the other hand, his only surviving immediate relative, his father, wants him back in Cuba. How can anyone argue with that? Tough call either way, so why are so many people screaming bloody murder on either side of this issue. Cuban immigrants are stopping traffic in Miami, why? Like you really care. Get your own life, or go back yourselves! And what is Congressman DAN BURTON doing subpoenaing the child to circumvent immigrations decision to send him home. What is Congress doing in this issue? Puuulllleease, DAN BURTON has enough problems dealing with his own children from various "wives", he has no business sticking his incompetent, partisan nose in this one.................................. BARBRA STREISAND and JAMES BROLIN filed a stalking complaint against a photographer who was apparently trailing them on the freeway over the weekend, near Malibu. BABS might keep her eyes out for disgruntled fans who paid $500 or $2,500 for tickets to her tepid New Year's shows in Vegas.................................. What is all the fuss about pyschodrama JOHN ROCKER comments about gays and minorities in New York. The gist of it was that it was depressing to ride the subway with them, which might indeed be true. We've got men running for the Republican presidential nomination and leading religious organizations who say worse things, and wish to implement real discimination against gays and lesbians that really ought be submitted for mental testing............................Did you hear BOB and LIBBY DOLE tell LARRY KING the other night that they are "don't ask, don't tell" people. They both say, why mess with the policy because it is working. What?! Tell that to the parents of private first class BARRY WINCHELL, who was brutally murdered last year, in his sleep by his fellow soldiers who suspected him of being gay. It's working all right. How ridiculous. A policy needs to be implemented that says loud and clear, to all concerned, including the old geezers at the top, that discrimination against gays will not be tolerated. Period! Not that it's ok to discriminate, and discharge, and murder gays if we find out they are gay. Republicans, and BOB and LIBBY, and joint chiefs of staff, and every other homophobe out there, get a fucking clue!

WHAT'S WRONG WITH THIS PICTURE?
12-10-99

GOVERNOR GEORGE W. BUSH made an executive decision opting to allow Texas officials to pull a death row inmate scheduled for execution out of intensive care where he was recovering from a drug overdose, to be killed by lethal injection. BUSH did nothing to delay the scheduled date with the needle for DAVID M. LONG, and so he was put to death in accordance with his sentence, on Wednesday. What is mad is that the

Associated Press

State of Texas was so worried that the transport to the death chamber would inadvertently kill Mr. LONG, that they staffed a special airplane with medical personnel and flew him to the place of execution. Something is really screwy here................And speaking of screwy, did you follow the tragic story ofbillionaire EDMUND J. SAFRA's death earlier in the week in a fire that was first alleged to have been set by masked intruders. As it turns out, SAFRA was killed by smoke inhalation in a fire set by one of his male nurses. The nurse, TED MAHER then stabbed himself several times to support his claims of assault by armed robbers. He set the fire to "draw attention to himself" as he was jealous of SAFRA's other nurses, seven of them. One off those 7 was locked in a bathroom with the deceased and passed away herself in the fire, despite pleadings from police and firefighters who were trying to open the door to save them. Reports vary, but it appears MR. SAFRA made 2 cell phone calls from within the barricaded bathroom, but could not be convinced to escape. The moral of this story--think twice before having 1 nurse, not to mention 8 of them, especially if you are a billionaire....................

CLUELESS LIVING THROUGH CHEMICALS
11/24/99

Have you seen the commercials on television, or the full page, sometimes 3 or 4 pages in magazines that are selling something but your not sure what it is or what it's for? You know, the pharmaceutical ads. The amount of money spent by this industry on promotion of their prescription drugs has risen in the last decade by 1,000 % from 12 million to 1.2 billion. And the ads, well sometimes I think I'm watching a SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE sketch. There is one, a drug (whose name escapes me, imagine that) which remedies "uneven bowel function", whatever that is. There is a picture of a bowl of liquid, and it is swooshing around like we're in the midst of an earthquake or riding in a JEEP or something, causing spillage of the liquid, oh my! The imagery is vivid, I think.

The kicker comes at the end of the commercial, just before the announcer says consult your physician: "Side effects include dizziness, fatigue, headache, nausea, vomiting, abdominal pain, fainting, blackouts, heart palpitations, dry mouth, irritability and death." Just after that commercial airs, I'm consumed by an urge to rush out to RITE-AID and purchase a case, cause who wants to spill viscous fluid all over the house during a good shake. I just hate when that happens.........................

BEAT A CLUE TO DEATH
11-15-99

CAPTAIN AMERICA, KEN STARR was on the talking head circuit again Sunday, doing that bastion show of journalistic integrity, FOX NEWS SUNDAY. KEN is still milking his fleeting celebrity, still talking removal from office for the president, who is so beyond all of this. The only legacy of the entire fiasco will be a bunch of chirping conservatives with their wings clipped. STARR reminded us that we are all awaiting a ruling from Arkansas bar officials as to whether CLINTON can still practice law in his home state. Boy, that will be a feather in STARR'S bonnet. Host TONY SNOW and resident CLINTON hater BRIT HUME really put STARR through his paces, lobbing softball after softball question to the highly controversial, and partisan former independent counsel. Not once did either of these canaries pose a difficult or contrary issue to STARR, not once did they so much as challenge him, or his pitiful obstinance on these matters. Not a peep! Let it go KEN, and get some balanced journalists FOX..................Can somebody tell me what bizarre dementia takes over America's parents, and their kids every year about this time? CABBAGE PATCH KIDS, TICKLE ME ELMO, FURBY and now POKEMON fever. Stop the madness!.....................

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