GET A CLUE
8-24-99
I WANT HEAD!
As one who really enjoys television news programs, including most of the "talking head" shows, I am perturbed at the recent programming changes on Sundays involving FOX NEWS SUNDAY; EVANS, NOVAK, SHIELD & HUNT, formerly EVANS & NOVAK, but now with even more head; and THIS WEEK, formerly THIS WEEK WITH DAVID BRINKLEY, but now without one head, though, look for a new title soon: THIS WEEK WITH DONALDSON, ROBERTS, CRYSTAL & STEFANOPOULIS (GEORGE WILL is just too bitter to get a byline). It used to be that a Sunday morning politico could surf from MEET THE PRESS to FOX NEWS SUNDAY then to THIS WEEK and finally to EVANS & NOVAK all from the comfort and safety of his warm and cozy bed. But noooooooo! Now they are all on at 8am opposite one another. Do TV execs sit around their mahogany tables nibbling herb chicken crostini sandwees devising ways in which to lose the few viewers that they have? Pullllease! I know this country is a big tent with all types of Sunday morning folks. Some trip the light fantastic Saturday nights and fail to surface early enough for these shows, much less MEET THE PRESS which is still at 7am, (but for how long?) Others climb out of bed to clutch their NEW YORK TIMES, or LA TIMES, or CINCINNATI BUGLE, and don't even turn on the cathode tubes on Sunday. I suspect MARTHA STEWART is this way, squirreling around all day from project to project as if she didn't even have a set. Get a life miss thing. Still others go right for ESPN for a preview of the football, baseball, basketball, or golf competition to follow into the more reasonable hours. Myself, I am happy enough to see the game without HOWIE and whoever hyping it up to a frenzy. Which is why I like to supplement my Sunday morning with a bit of political commentary from the heads. But noooooooo, I can't get no. No NO NO. Hey hey hey. It's not right! That's what I say. How many damn viewers do these shows get? Do they think they are going to put one another out of business by going head to head? Harsh! You all have the same viewers, goofballs! The three or four of us who care what BILLY CRYSTAL or MARA LIASON, or AL HUNT have to say about events of the political ilk the past week are now stretched too thin. CAREFUL! We'll turn on you and switch to NANCY and that British guy selling slicers or juicers or cleaners or the RED DEVIL portable grill. They care about us viewers. Rarely do you see Nancy on more than one channel at the same time, though she's on more than DATELINE. Watch it or we'll spend Sunday out in some park, or at the beach making Oriental stir fry and pineapple upside down cake, without the messy clean-up, not giving a hoot about head. Do you really want that?
GET A CLUE
8-11-99
STARR STILL CLUELESS
CLINTON AND CARTER SORT CLUES OUT
As if he has carte blanch to spend taxpayer money endlessly, and as if anyone cares anymore, and like, totally without a hint of just how insignificant and pitiful he has become, KENNETH STARR told a group of reporters yesterday that he expected to conclude his now 5-year investigation of the CLINTONS and issue a final report in the fall of 2000. Huh! It's long since been over. What could possibly take another 12-14 months. Nobody gives a hoot anymore KEN. Isn't it cute that the report will be released just in time for a last second bombshell just before the 2000 election. Even that dastardly timing won't matter. There is little else STARR could say that would make a hint of difference in CLINTON'S legacy, or GORE'S possible secession to the office, or even HILLARY'S campaign, if she so decides, for the Senate in New York. And STARR himself has shrunk back from his early ideas, as evidenced by the preliminary reports, that he was supposed to interpret the facts. Describing the report STARR said "It would need to be a comprehensive final report-that is factually straightforward, that does not engage in characterization." Helllooooo! This is how far STARR has fallen. He is the court jester, a mildly entertaining fantasy, a fly in the ointment, and JANET RENO should put him out of his misery. Get a clue JANET! Do the right thing. He doesn't really want to issue a report. That must be why he announced such a delayed release, and now sees his role as so very different than what he set out to do. He wants to be slammed. Do it. Pull out the rug, off with his head, good-bye charley, hasta la vista baby. Totally! ..................CLINTON has finally buried whatever perceived hatchet he has had for former PRESIDENT JIMMY CARTER. In a ceremony at the CARTER CENTER in Atlanta, CLINTON awarded PRESIDENT CARTER and wife ROSALIND with the MEDAL of FREEDOM, the highest civil honor the country can bestow. CARTER described the moment "one of the most beautiful events in my life...it's especially meaningful to receive it from a leader who's pursued many of the same goals." That is what was so puzzling about the rift between the two men. They have so much in common, both being caring charismatic Democratic leaders from the South. But, relations may have soured during CARTER'S administration over disputes involving Cuban refugees housed in Arkansas where CLINTON was governor. Then, when CLINTON was elected president JIMMY CARTER gave an interview citing his disappointment that the CLINTON'S were sending CHELSEA to a private school. The CARTERS were snubbed at the inaugural balls and the feud was rolling. CLINTON had CARTER deal with Secretary of State WARREN CHRISTOPHER on foreign policy matters, rather than giving him direct and easy access to the oval office on such matters with which CARTER was becoming increasingly involved in his retirement. CARTER embarrassed the CLINTON administration on more than one occasion over issues in North Korea, the Middle East and South America. But it all was better in Atlanta as CLINTON and CARTER gave each other the praise and recognition they both deserve. Ahhhhhhh.
GET A CLUE
7-27-99
A CLUE OR 2 ON THE WAR ON DRUGS
GEORGE W. BUSH appears headed for a CLINTONESQUE scandal, by refusing to flatly deny rumors of cocaine use in his early years before going into politics. Reports are flying around Washinton that the Republican front runner for president in 2000 has a closet full of skeletons, including hazing as a frat boy and alleged drug use. So long as no one steps up with any first hand knowledge, BUSH will be able to "skirt" the issue, but how long before the clues to this scandal creep out..............And let's say that BUSH did do cocaine at some time in his life. It is a felony, should he be banned from becoming president? It makes a lot more sense to reexamine the criminality of drug use in this country. Why is it a felony to ingest some expensive white powder, but it is not to drink to extinction, or smoke tobacco, or to take Prozac, or Valium, or Darvon, or coffee! It's absurd...............Like government officials in Florida, headed by GEORGE W.'s brother JEB. They are seriously considering introducing a genetically altered fungus into the ecosystem there. This virus is special in that, like many professional athletes, it feeds off of the marijuana plant. It was engineered in the lab to attack only pot plants, and have no other side effect on the environment. Yeah right. Let's see, we are going to release into the fields a bioherbicide to kill off and make extinct, a natural species, a weed, just because we don't want people selling it and others smoking it to get high. There are a few clues loose here! Governor JEB BUSH hired JIM McDONOUGH to head up Florida's OFFICE of DRUG CONTROL, and he says of the risks of introducing this fungus into the state-"When you deal with science, you deal with the cost of advancing and what is the cost of not advancing?" Wow, a rhetorical poet, without a clue! What if the cost is the loss of Florida's citrus crop, you boob. Or maybe the flowers, or corn, or perhaps a rare species of plant that is a vital link in the food chain. You eradicate marijuana, but the next day the gators or the manatees are gone. What is the cost of that? McDONOUGH has an ally in congress in one Representative BILL McCOLLUM. You may remember him as one of the most rabid on the House Judicial Committee to impeach BILL CLINTON (our president who has smoked pot, but didn't inhale). If McCOLLUM has his way, the federal government will be paying for this science fiction fiasco. Just what is so wrong with a natural plant that, when ingested relaxes the body, eases stress, helps one to cope with life's little challenges, makes you laugh and appreciate things like food, music and sex? (Not to mention the proven medical benefits for glaucoma and AIDS patients, and who knows what else) Just what is wrong with that? How different is it, than the martini or 2 after work. Or the 6-pack during the game, or the 32 ounce beer at the ballpark, or the half a pack of cigarettes on the freeway commute home. Come on people, unbunch those panties and get a clue! These government officials obviously haven't seen DEEP BLUE SEA, or they would know, it's not nice to fool with mother nature!
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